Affirmation is Nice

I know, I've posted waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too often the last few days, and it's all been sort of melancholy, so here's some happy news that couldn't wait.

I heard back from the job I interviewed for. I don't have the job, but I am one of the top two candidates.

To get the job I have to complete a few writing assignments and some research. I can do this, and if I don't get the job, I will know that the other candidate was pretty freaking amazing.

So here's to me and the other person out there who is hoping to get this spot. Cheers. We're awesome.

Am I a Writer Anymore?

I've considered myself a writer since about 5th grade. I wouldn't even be embarrased to show someone some things I wrote at that age. I think as a 5th grader I was more skilled than some people currently published, but I'm not sure I am a writer now.

When I sit down to write now, everything I write is flat. I end up feeling like this:

...and yes, this is a fairly accurate depiction of my living room, except the parakeet has passed on, and his cage is sadly empty.

Is this the end result of too much academia and an emphasis in rhetoric and composition? I hope not because writing has always been a major stabilizing force in my life. Writing is empowering. It's something a shy person like me can do to make a difference. But I can't make a difference with writing that no one wants to read.

Or perhaps my struggle with writing has nothing to do with my academic endeavors. Perhaps it is yet another barrier I am struggling against with the resurgence of symptoms of depression. I've been managing this disease for 10 years (it was unmanaged before that). Working out, eating right, doing productive things all keep me in line. I am firmly against medication. 

In graduate school, I let myself be too busy to maintain my routine, and it started sneaking back up on me last November and has been hitting me in waves ever since. When I get depressed, I become a self-deprecating, nervous person. I can't sleep at night, but I want to curl up in bed all day. I can't eat. I'm less efficient at work. I develop paranoia that nobody likes me, even if we're supposedly friends.  

This resurgence had a major impact on my school work and my relationships last year, and with my impending joblessness, it's hitting me as hard as it's ever hit me before. I am physically sickened by it right now, so much so that I've been working from my parents house because the idea of returning to that city I hate during the week my boss is on vacation and I would be alone in the office gave me a panick attack. I couldn't get out of bed or eat.

It's always bothered me to be so smart and capable and to find myself so unreasonably limited by this irrational disease. I've got to start doing something worthwhile like writing to overcome it. I need to really focus on being a doer--work out, write, cook, crochet.

So I've got to keep telling myself that I am a writer. I made it through grad school with a 4.0, and I passed my defense with distinction. I can do amazing things despite this disease, even when it's trying its damnedest to pull me under. I can get a job now because I am incredibly quick to learn new things, and I am a skilled writer with a good sense of how to communicate with diverse perspectives.

Next, perhaps I will post a story. I've got this crazy fantasy in my head of a whole new sort of presidential candidate. Perhaps I will follow the presidential elections with my imaginary candidate participating in debates. More to come.

Newly-found Freetime: The Plan

Okay, so my last post was a bit of a sob story. Clearly, I have a lot of new free time opened up by lack of Scrabble. I should probably devote it to applying for jobs, but that's a bit depressing, so instead I'm making other plans.

First things first, when I get bummed out, I get into the kick of creative writing. I've still got a lot of research to do to work on my novel, so I think I will focus on the blog idea I had a while ago. (If you're a potential employer reading this, don't worry, I don't want to be a novelist, so I won't quit a job you might give me so that I can market a book someday).

My main complaint about this current blog is that it's sort of random babble. It's not really very meaningful for people who aren't friends invested in my life. It's my outlet since I live 5 hours away from my family, and my friends are even further away. I get to feeling isolated from people.

Back to the new blog though. Some time ago, I had the idea to create a blog of what I call "speculative responses." I would write flash speculative/science fiction in response to articles I read. I would also include brief summaries and links to articles. It's the way I like to engage with ideas--creatively.

I've always worked on longer works, so developing flash fiction will probably be rough for me at first, but I really want to get this going.

In the spirit of that, I'm going to start reading more interesting articles. My subscription to Scientific American Mind should start appearing soon, so I should be able to get some fuel there. I have the original story idea sparked by an article from the Atlantic.

Right now, I'm reading stuff in New Scientist, currently "The Hocus Pocus that Made Quantum Theory Work." I will admit  this particular magazine is often a bit too hard science to get me thinking because I prefer to engage with the social implications of ideas. I won't be writing any hard science fiction.

Mostly, I get my ideas from stuff I find on Twitter. My twitter feed just sort of hands all sorts of interesting articles to me. I just need to use my reading to spark some creativity, then I need to actually apply that creativity. Time to get lost in my own imagination since I'm not enjoying my reality right now.

Time to Start Over Anew...again

If you've known me long enough, you'll know that in the spring of 2008 my life plan blew up in my face.

I had the man of my dreams, had just nabbed my first "real" job after undergrad, and was headed towards the life I envisioned for myself. Then the dream man decided to become a Capuchin friar, and the whole dream package just imploded on me.

So I ran away. Literally. On a whim I applied to a couple of graduate schools. Then I moved to Kansas to go to K-State about 8 months after I'd even first had an inkling that I wanted to go to graduate school. I was sure that there, like in all other places, I would be as shy and isolated as ever, but I wasn't.

My fellow graduate students at K-State were the most friendly and amazing people I've ever known in my life. I love them all. Special acknowledgement to Christy for all her efforts in creating our graduate school community that brought shy nerds like me comfortably into the same group as crazies like Nic. Then, of course, my friendship with Nic helped to develop my friendship with Mariya, who is quite honestly my movie and TV soulmate. I also have a unique bond with her wife Lacey who is one of the few people that I can have comfortably in my bubble. Having Lacey around was like having one of my sisters close.

I had Lindsey who is incredibly unlike me in personality, but who likes similar books and movies. She's the best roommate I've ever had, mostly because she's the only roommate I ever had that successfully captured all the best elements of living with my sister Molly without the sisterly fights. Lindsey was great for a bad night that needed to be spent watching cheesy movies, or a trip to find chicken fingers and fries (my favorite comfort food). She's also the only non-sister roommate to cook and eat with me regularly. I really loved having a roommate to be like family and share mealtimes with. She's my soul-sister for sure. We also share a mutual love and mother-ship of my cat.

I want to move back to KS to be close to the few friends who remain, but I'm beginning to worry that I shouldn't. What if I don't make new friends wherever I get a job? Most of the KS remnants only have short-term plans for KS. As these people move on to bigger and better things, am I going to end up isolated and miserable?

I'll be honest and mention that I had a lot wrapped up in moving a couple of hours away from Chris, hoping that maybe we could work things out. Nightly online Scrabble with Chris has been a major redeeming factor of my time living in my current city, which I hate. I never wanted to move to the same city as Chris because if things didn't work, I didn't want to regret my location. Chris, though, is now dating someone else.

Needless to say, as soon as I found out about Chris's new lady friend, I quit the Chris thing cold turkey. For me, I'll never kick the habit as long as we're friends. I'll keeping hoping, and that's just not okay. It's going to be rough for a while adjusting to not playing Scrabble during my evenings. Who will I talk to while watching Star Trek and crocheting? There are few friends you can bother quite that much.

Blergh. As if my impending joblessness weren't stresseful enough.

Regardless, at this point I still have the largest concentration of friends in KS, so I'll keep applying for jobs there, but I'm going to apply for some close to Christy and Ryane out east, and I'll apply for some close to home too. I've enjoyed being far from my family, but I do know that my mom and my sisters are some of the most reliable friends that I have.

How the Interview Went

So I had an interview yesterday. I would honestly be surprised if I got the job, but it was a good interview trial run experience. I have some good ideas to make things go better the next time.

Mostly, I failed to ask a few questions that would have helped me to provide better responses to other questions. Now I know. I have a better plan. Glad I learned something. Time was not wasted.

Now I need to get some serious work done, but I feel deathly tired, and my stomach is in all sorts of knots. I would just like to do nothing for a few days. Life is hitting in full force right now, and some of it just isn't that great.

Holiday Weekend

So my holiday weekend hasn't been a super fun vacation, but I can't complain too much. I got to see some awesome friends.

I spent Saturday driving to KS. When I arrived, I had dinner with my friend Juli Anna, her mother, and her two tiny people. Juli Anna made parmesan chicken, and then I helped keep the baby happy while his momma got time to eat and talk to his daddy on Skype. Grandma managed the two year old's bath meanwhile. It was nice to see my friend, but boy she looked beat. I hope I get a job soon so that I can move closer and try to help her out until her hubby returns.

After that, I saw a whole slew of graduate school friends at a Halloween party sponsored by several of the graduate student groups. I was a bit too tired to handle so many people, but it was nice to see them all. I wore the sock monkey hat as my costume...lame I know.

Today I spent the day with Mariya for the most part. We were pretty mellow because I was tired and so was she. I also spent some time with my friend Maggie while Mariya was at a family event for a couple hours.

Now I am in a hotel several hours away. I'm pretty happy because I am showered and scrubbed clean. I have an interview in the morning. Wish me luck!

Then tomorrow after the interview, I will finally be going home. I will drive the 8 or 9 hours back to my parents' to pick up my cat and to trade my subaru for their truck (for moving purposes). Tuesday, I'll drive down to Denver to drop Dad at the airport, pick up my coat from Kerrie's, and drop my loaner laptop at the Denver office before I head back to GJ.

I'm so close to being home, and as much as the driving makes me feel tired, the idea of being home in my own bed after over a week makes me really happy.