On Novel Revision and My Research Endeavors

When is revision too much? For me, it may always be too much.

Every time I sit down to work on my novel, progress becomes locked in a grid of "what if?" I seek to network the needs of varying audiences, themes, missions, plots, agendas, social requirements. Any complication I can think of will halt the writing process. I have to plan to work everything in.

Twice I have made an overhaul of this novel, revising it entirely with something foundational molded anew or scrapped and replaced. First, I erased my main character because she was hollow. In her stead two male characters have arisen. Their rough outlines were taken from a short story I wrote for a class, but in the course of the narrative they grew into two human beings who I know intimately. They were not a plan. They were organically born and as I wrote I got to know them.

Lately, this organic approach to writing has shriveled. My second major revision is to make this novel a rhetorical opening out. A gateway to understanding and acceptance of a variety of viewpoints, but my own is so narrow. Needing to know more, I research and research and research. I have lengthy lists of books to read to help me fully develop the themes I want to ecapsulate and develop real characters to create those themes where my personal experieince will fail me. This is a daunting task.

I intended to finish my novel by the end of 2012, but after developing a research plan, I decided it would be more feasible to shoot for the end of 2015. Do I really need four extra years?

The answer is no. I've got to stop. Simplicity is needed.

I'm currently reading Toni Morrison's Playing in the Dark: Whiteness and the Literary Imagination. I just finished the chapter "Black Matters." At first, I thought I should, as a writer, do what Morrison describes as "entering what one is estranged from." This was already a goal of my writing, but as I continued reading, it became clear that I should limit myself to alien things closer to home--to experiences of alienation that, though not my own, I have at least been witness to and can begin to imagine. Empathy is a natural trait for writers in my opinion. It lets them easily jump into the lives of others and live the experience. Morrison is surprised by some of the successful capturing of perspectives that are other than the authors she encounters.

I felt sure that somewhere in "Black Matters" I would find the key to what I want to do, but I think I perhaps found the key to what not to do. Through the course of this piece, Morrison recognizes that in engaging with the Other, a writer may reinforce prejudices. I was quick to think, "I don't want to do that! Lead me on to the path of avoiding this affront," but Morrison didn't. The issue is complicated. In a nutshell, Morrison clarifies that the risk of working to undermine prejudices also inherently carries with it the liklihood of inauthenticity.

How does a person successfully undermine a problematic system when the system is in part a key to authenticity? Furthermore, how does a person create true authenticity in narrative when the system is foreign. It's not just a matter of character. Is there any way I can organically imagine an Othered character and the complex background they would arise from the way I can my two heroes? Could I intimately know such a character and how they would react in any given circumstance? I don't think so.

If I tried, I would fail. I should point out that Morrison is appreciative of such failures. Though they are indeed failures and subject to criticism, she recognizes that the act of such a writing endeavor is a brave and worthy cause for the mind of the author if no one else. I think I will continue such exercises of the mind, but for now, I will leave them out of my writing--or at least writing I intend to share. This novel project is simplifying to concentrate on issues I know that I can write naturally without a concerted effort to try to work beyond the limits of my own imagination. I'm not ready for that.

Honey or Brown Sugar

So the folks in the graphics department at work discovered that I keep a drawer full of cookies. I'm going to have to start keeping a larger stockpile on hand. I'm thinking more variety too.

I usually take requests from my office mate. We've had regular chocolate chip cookies, oatmeal walnut dark chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, and sour cream chocolate drop cookies. Most recently, he put in a request for oatmeal raisin cookies, so I'm planning oatmeal raisin cookies and oatmeal craisin cookies (you know, with dried cranberries) because I don't like raisins when they've been cooked.

Of course, he's on vacation this week, so I've actually been dragging my feet about making cookies even though it's really hard for me to make it through the day without a mid-morning and an afternoon cookie.

Then the graphics department was complaining that they needed sugar, and one of the graphics guys who knows about my drawer informed them of the cache of cookies. Unfortunately, I didn't have any cookies for them. The drawer has been empty for days.

I decided, however, that cookies might be the way to bridge the department gap. We don't have a huge chasm dividing us, but there is a small divide. In the spirit of community cookie sharing, I took a cookie request from the person I know best in graphics. She apparently LOVES peanut butter cookies. The all caps is necessary because that's how she emailed me her cookie request.

So I'm making her peanut butter cookies, and I learned a new trick from my peanut butter cookie recipe as part of the process. You can replace brown sugar with 1/2 as much honey. The dough turns out gooier, but if you pop it in the fridge for a bit, you can remedy any difficulty created in dough handling.

Let me tell you...this batter is yummy. I don't imagine this will do anything to prevent how hard peanut butter cookies turn, and I hope it doesn't make that issue worse. Regardless, at present, the flavor is heavenly. I don't know that I would exchange brown sugar for honey in all my cookie recipes, but for peanut butter cookies, it's delectable--which is kind of the goal.

Sour Cream-Chocolate Drop Cookies

Um...these cookies turned out like little brownie bites, so I thought I would share.

Ingredients:

• 1/2 cup butter, softened
• 1 cup brown sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1 egg
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• 6 tablespoons dark chocolate cocoa
• 2 tablespoons shortening
• 1 packet instant chocolate pudding
• 1 8oz carton sour cream
• 2 cups all-purpose flour

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Beat butter with electric mixer.
3. Add brown sugar, baking soda, and salt.
4. Beat in egg, vanilla, cocoa, shortening, and chocolate pudding.
5. Beat in sour cream.
6. Beat in flour.
7. Drop rounded teaspoons onto cookie sheet and flatten a little.
8. Bake ten minutes.
9. Transfer cookies to a wire rack to cook.
10. Eat and be happy.

I am going to go eat some right now.

The Master of No-Follow-Through

I am the master of no-follow-through.

I challenge myself to improve:

To run and swim and crunch,
to read literature,
to learn about the cosmos and the mind,
to write poetry,
to finish my novel,
to publish short stories,
to bake bread,
to make pastries,
to minimize and declutter,
to do so many little things.

I stack them so high and so deep
(there are so many)
that I find myself staring at a mountain range
constructed of tiny goals
and I sit and do nothing,
overwhelmed by the magnitude of my own dreams.

But I can hike a 14-er in a day,
one dedicated day of devotion
to a task worth striving for.

So I'll pick one peak to climb to,
make a dedicated hike,
knowing there's no stopping.
I must hike to the top or turn back,
wasting so much of my spirit
on yet another failure.

So I'll make a dedicated hike,
trudging onward until
I can sit at the top,
exhausted, but in triumph,
(exhale deeply),
and then choose another peak.

It might take a lifetime,
but I'll cross this mountain range of mine,
conquer every peak,
exhausted, but in triumph,
(exhale deeply),
let my wearied body sleep.

But for now I'm just still planning,
thinking, dreaming, scheming.
I challenge myself to improve,
to do so many little things,
but I sit and do nothing,
overwhelmed by the magnitude of my own dreams.

I am the master of no-follow-through.

Grocery-Shop-Free Challenge

I'm trying to make it through the week wtihout doing any grocery shopping. There is plenty of food in my fridge, but I still feel like I need to go to the store. Why? Well, mostly, I'm out of milk.

Living this week without milk ruins two things for me. 1) It's really hard to have a quick breakfast when I can't just toss some cereal in a bowl. 2) What am I supposed to do with my coffee when I have given up creamer?

Well, this morning I had my coffee with almond syrup and no creamer or milk. It was okay. I am missing dairy in my coffee for sure, but I will live without milk. I can do this, though I did almost reach for the Bailey's this morning, but I refrained. Starting my day with alcohol is most assuredly a bad idea.

My solution to the woes of breakfast? This morning I had sourdough toast with butter and honey. It was grand. Tonight I am baking up some scones as another quick breakfast because I do usually rotate between toast and an egg and cereal. I don't want to eat toast every day.

Of course, I didn't have the wheat flour necessary for the scone recipe, so more creativity was called for. I stuck some oatmeal and some walnuts in the food processor for a wheat flour replacement. We'll see how that goes.

Dinner tonight was random vegetables with an asian sauce (random stuff with a fish sauce base) over leftover rice. It was okay. I made use of some frozen peas I bought in order to make a tuna casserole for Chris. If you know me well, you know that I think peas are for throwing, not for eating. I survived.

Wish me luck with this food efficiency adventure! At least I am not out of grapefruit juice. That would not stand. I would die.

Workout Fiend

Okay, so I'm not doing so hot with the writing or the pastry baking, or even the comfort food cooking.

I was also failing at working out.

Yesterday, I turned that around. I ran five miles. It took me far longer than it should have, but I did it. I did not let myself stop until it was done. Today, I did it all over again. I felt like it was harder this time, but I think that's cause my legs were feeling a bit beat up from yesterday already.

It must not have been as bad as it felt though because a guy came up to me and said, "how are you so happy working out?"

My response, "Huh?"

"You are smiling like crazy."

"Must be the music," I shrugged, but that isn't true. I was barely registering what was on my iPod, and I know it wasn't the stupid celebrity gossip news the Y had on, which I was reading through closed-captioning.

I couldn't explain it. Perhaps I was grimacing and it just looked like smiling? Thank my genetically good smile (no braces necessary). Regardless, it does feel really good to meet this goal. If I keep running 5 miles a day, a 5k run should be easy, and I have had the goal to run one sometime soon.

I would like to dedicate this blog and some of my motivation to my friends Diedre, Maggie, and Anna. They are killing the 5k runs lately, and they would totally kick my butt at running. They are kind of my workout heroes because all three are pretty badass.

Domestic Adventure in Wichita

Yesterday I was throwing a yarn art party to be enjoyed with wine and a cheese plate. I love cheese. I can handle a cheese plate (except maybe the choosing crackers part), but I don't know a thing about wine. So, again, my friend Kelsie acted as guide to Wichita, and she took me around to some pretty fabulous places. (I don't think I ever posted about the amazing goodies at Juarez Bakery, but everyone should go there.)

First she took me to a great little wine shop in old town. I don't really like wine, so the fact that the vibe in this place wasn't remotely pretentious was perfect. It was a cozy, earthy sort of wine shop with really helpful people (well, person, but Kelsie says the others are great too). Just the sort of place an ignorant wine purchaser like me should go. Unfortunately, the beer selection was kind of lame, so even though it's the closest alcohol selling store to where I live, I will still have to drive a little bit to buy beer I like.

Next stop on our adventure was The Spice Merchant where Kelsie has been telling me to buy coffee, and I have been too lazy to go. (Laziness is my excuse for everything). It has some great little knick-knacks and cooking gadgets, preserves, spices (of course), and the most important part--coffee. I smelled a ton of coffee beans roasted right there, and I fell in love with a rich, earthy, and sort of sweet smelling Organic Columbian. I generally lean towards Columbian coffee beans, so this isn't much of a surprise. It was a medium roast coffee. I think I have discovered I don't like dark roasts because I find I can taste a sort of acrid flavor in dark roasts. It took me a long time to figure this out. Instead, I like a good medium roast brewed dark.

Oh, and don't let me forget the most exciting part! The Spice Merchant has vanilla beans for $1.25 a bean. It's over $5 a bean when you get them from the grocery store. I am ecstatic, and there will be homemade ice cream this summer. I also got some almond syrup because I have decided to quit coffee creamer. I want to live a life of caffe au lait drinking. This morning, I frothed milk in a saucepan using a whisk (it turned out acceptably frothy, but I still need a frother), and I put it in my coffee with the syrup. It was nice, but I need to work on my ratios.

Then our adventure took us to Heritage Hut, where we picked up some crochet hooks and some yarn for Kelsie. It was a small store, so it didn't have a huge yarn selection, but they had really, really nice yarns. Although, I think sometime soon I will hop over to Twist to see what they have. I need to buy some knitting needles because Lindsey (the only guest who showed up to the party besides Kelsie and I) showed me how to knit, but I am currently using chop sticks, and the ends are not pointy enough.

Our adventure took a turn for the mundane after that. We bought cheese, fruit, and crackers at a regular old Dillon's grocery store.  Grocery store camembert might as well be brie. It doesn't smell attrocious at all, and that's just wrong. I need to find a decent place to buy a good foot-smelling camembert. Finally, we wrapped up our adventure by stopping by a Big Lots to get 12 wine glasses for $10 because I didn't have any. Not too shabby. They are very rounded, which was kind of amusing.

Because of tornado warnings, we spent part of the yarn art party in the stairwell in the basement of my apartment complex with lots of my neighbors, yet I think the yarn art party was a success. Most of the guests didn't come, but Lindsey was a delightful find, so she made all Kelsie and my efforts worth it. Social win.