Graduate School OR Going Back to High School

So a friend posted the article "Paranoid? You Must Be a Grad Student" on facebook. I felt like it was the story of the past two years of my life.

During my time in grad school, I've felt like I have regressed. I was this confident mature career-minded person after a short stint in the working world. I could take on the world at that time. Now I'm paranoid socially, romantically, academically, etc. I find myself at the end of grad school an absolute mess. I haven't had this kind of anxiety since high school, and I'm about as emotionally stable as my high school self, which for me is a pretty low place to be.

The problem in high school was that I was a part of a very competative social circle that was obsessed with grades. Everything was a competition. One of the major irritants I remember in high school was taking physics early in the day when all my friends had it in the afternoon. They would ask me about the test during lunch and then act like they were smarter than me when their test scores came back higher. It still bugs me because they had an advantage, which I gave them. Grad school is the same sort of competative social environment.

When I get depressed, it usually has to do with school, and it's a vicious cycle. I have to not try so that I don't stress myself out about perfection, but I also have to do well because I would rather be dead than fail. I've managed to survive my classes with relative stability, but the actual masters project has been a nightmare for me, and it's come close to being my undoing on several occassions.

Why am I telling you all this? If I decide to get my PhD, you should shoot me or commit me. I would be better off working at Wal-mart.

On a positive note, just two more weeks. In two weeks, I can sleep on a regular schedule. I can cook healthier and fancier. I can spend my evenings reading whatever I want or crocheting and watching a movie. In two weeks I will have time to work out. I'm so close to this happy future, it's hard to focus on school, but in two weeks life will be magnificent (at least relatively speaking).