For those of you who also suffer from depression, you know that a high can be as rough as a low. With a high comes fear. Fear that good things will slip away. With this fear comes the same dark thoughts that come with a low. Is anything really worth it? Is it time to give up? The scariest thing about these thoughts on a high is that with a high there is no worry that someone will feel to blame. How can they? If everything is so perfect, it's hard for something to look like a cause.
On a more positive note, I've got to get a little drive back into my life for the purpose of coping. My major drive used to be my intense faith and as a secondary element of that, my writing. When I was a religious zealot, I felt like writing was my calling. It was my mode of evangelizing. Since I no longer am a religious zealot, I feel like my passion to write has fizzled out.
That can't be the case though. I wrote constantly long before I was an uber Christian. That portion of myself is hiding somewhere. I need it. I need to cut my Netflix subscription and my internet and force myself to find entertainment in constant reading and writing again. It's time.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Graduate School OR Going Back to High School
So a friend posted the article "Paranoid? You Must Be a Grad Student" on facebook. I felt like it was the story of the past two years of my life.
During my time in grad school, I've felt like I have regressed. I was this confident mature career-minded person after a short stint in the working world. I could take on the world at that time. Now I'm paranoid socially, romantically, academically, etc. I find myself at the end of grad school an absolute mess. I haven't had this kind of anxiety since high school, and I'm about as emotionally stable as my high school self, which for me is a pretty low place to be.
The problem in high school was that I was a part of a very competative social circle that was obsessed with grades. Everything was a competition. One of the major irritants I remember in high school was taking physics early in the day when all my friends had it in the afternoon. They would ask me about the test during lunch and then act like they were smarter than me when their test scores came back higher. It still bugs me because they had an advantage, which I gave them. Grad school is the same sort of competative social environment.
When I get depressed, it usually has to do with school, and it's a vicious cycle. I have to not try so that I don't stress myself out about perfection, but I also have to do well because I would rather be dead than fail. I've managed to survive my classes with relative stability, but the actual masters project has been a nightmare for me, and it's come close to being my undoing on several occassions.
Why am I telling you all this? If I decide to get my PhD, you should shoot me or commit me. I would be better off working at Wal-mart.
On a positive note, just two more weeks. In two weeks, I can sleep on a regular schedule. I can cook healthier and fancier. I can spend my evenings reading whatever I want or crocheting and watching a movie. In two weeks I will have time to work out. I'm so close to this happy future, it's hard to focus on school, but in two weeks life will be magnificent (at least relatively speaking).
During my time in grad school, I've felt like I have regressed. I was this confident mature career-minded person after a short stint in the working world. I could take on the world at that time. Now I'm paranoid socially, romantically, academically, etc. I find myself at the end of grad school an absolute mess. I haven't had this kind of anxiety since high school, and I'm about as emotionally stable as my high school self, which for me is a pretty low place to be.
The problem in high school was that I was a part of a very competative social circle that was obsessed with grades. Everything was a competition. One of the major irritants I remember in high school was taking physics early in the day when all my friends had it in the afternoon. They would ask me about the test during lunch and then act like they were smarter than me when their test scores came back higher. It still bugs me because they had an advantage, which I gave them. Grad school is the same sort of competative social environment.
When I get depressed, it usually has to do with school, and it's a vicious cycle. I have to not try so that I don't stress myself out about perfection, but I also have to do well because I would rather be dead than fail. I've managed to survive my classes with relative stability, but the actual masters project has been a nightmare for me, and it's come close to being my undoing on several occassions.
Why am I telling you all this? If I decide to get my PhD, you should shoot me or commit me. I would be better off working at Wal-mart.
On a positive note, just two more weeks. In two weeks, I can sleep on a regular schedule. I can cook healthier and fancier. I can spend my evenings reading whatever I want or crocheting and watching a movie. In two weeks I will have time to work out. I'm so close to this happy future, it's hard to focus on school, but in two weeks life will be magnificent (at least relatively speaking).
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