Dear Holmes, Rest in Peace

I write out rest in peace above because, well, I feel like RIP just doesn't capture the beauty of the concept. The acronym means "to cut or tear apart in a rough or vigorous manner" (dictionary.com). That just doesn't capture the mood of "rest in peace," though it does capture another side of death, just not the well-wishing part.

Anywho, Sherlock Holmes was my parakeet. When I woke up yesterday morning, he was no longer with us. After initial shock, tears, texting my boss I would be late for work, and a day feeling distracted by thoughts of "what did I miss?" all I can think is that I was responsible for this tiny creature, and I failed.

Needless to say, I won't be leaving my cat with my parents for the week that I stay with my sister and brother-in-law. I am feeling particularly paranoid, so cat needs to be with me. I will be back to waking her up every time she falls alseep because she sleeps so soundly and looks dead sometimes. I did that all the time in grad school. I was paranoid that my cat would die because I was too busy to really pay attention to her, so I would shake her awake in a panic.

With bird gone, I'm wondering, is there something wrong with my apartment that I should be worried about? Is he the canary in the mine? Or was I feeding him too much? Parakeets are prone to obesity and little birdy heart attacks. Was something wrong with the most recent millet spray I gave him as a treat?

And as much as I am sad that my bird who was happily tweeting the night before was not alive the next day, I am also worried about cat. Who will keep her company all day while I am at work? That clever little bird loved tormenting the cat. He'd hop down to the bottom of the cage where she can just barely reach, and then he'd hop away. They both really seemed to enjoy having the other around, which is good because I really worried about the impact of getting a cat on my parakeet, but he definitely seemed happier with her in the picture.

Now I have to worry about her being lonely, but I think it's time to ditch the giant bird cage, which is hard to move from place to place, and it's time to just have cat since she is a good road-trip buddy and can travel with me much better without a bird in the car. No more birds.

Enough melancholy. It's laundry and baking time. I mean, I just conquered all of those dishes I was dreading cleaning up all week. I need to make more.

Like a Donkey's Behind

So there is this fellow grad student who generally annoys me. I find in class I am generally opposed to what they think, and I'm not a very nice person at those moments because I don't really listen.

Said person just shared some personal trauma with me because I was there in an isolated space when the world seemed to be caving in.

I feel like a jerk.

This person whom I had little respect for is dealing with a much more complex and scary world than my own, and I had no right to judge because in the same shoes, I would be in much worse shape.

I rescind my prior position of general annoyance. This person is now someone I am committed to supporting, whether it be academically or with life in general. We will probably never be best friends, but I'm behind them 100%.

And while I'm not glad that person is in the position they are in. I'm glad they shared it with me because I needed a little wake-up call to get out of my self-righteous bubble. This was definitely it.

It Hasn't Been that Great of a Day

Well, it just hasn't. I've had a knot of tension in my stomach all day, even though it really should be a good day. My students had a great time with Legos, and Indian Children's Lit had better discussion than we've had most of the semester. I finished reading Tech Comm reading for the week, too.

I still need to crank out a response paper for tech comm material I am just not invested in. I also really need to finish my writing project. The newest draft is onto a 17th page though, catching up to where I was on the previous version.

What I really want to do right now is revise my short story. Why is there no time? Lame. Back to my response paper.

Also...here is a song for the day. It's an odd song for an odd day. My roommate says it's creepy and melancholy, and she's right, but for some reason I find it very catchy and enjoy it even when I'm chipper. I know; I'm a freak.

Does My Sister Want Me Home?

My twin sister, Molly, keeps sending me job postings near her. Some of them are good, and some of them are just okay. She said she found them while looking for jobs for her fiance, but part of me takes it as a "please come home" request.

I've been fairly set on not going home. I like being an independent person in a way I never felt like I could be at home, but I'm about to the leave behind the tight-knit graduate community I've become a part of, and I know how hard it is to make friends in the working world, especially if I don't work with people my own age. I'm shy; making friends is hard. Maybe I should go home. I do love my sister, but I don't always feel like I fit in with her friends, so I'll be an isolated extra wheel.

Dear gods of magically perfect jobs, please find me something where I won't be bored and where I can easily make friends. That's all I want. I want to use my brain and feel challenged and to have fun people to work with and possibly hang out with.

Job searching makes me miss Chris. I don't have anybody that's gonna be there no matter where I go, except the cat. That's the problem though; I couldn't count on him to be there either. Splitting was good. Gotta focus. No time for sadness. This is grad school not high school. Buck up, Schurl.

My Song for the Day

I am feeling regret.

And sadness.

At least there are songs that capture it.